if it didn’t bring you joy, just leave it behind. let’s ring in the new year with good things in mind. lose every bad memory that brought heartache and pain. let’s turn a new leaf, with the smell of new rain. let’s forget past mistakes, making amends for last year. sending you these greetings, to help you bring in the new year!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012! ♥ be safe!

frozen moments of time.

since i really don’t use this website for blogging, and i really don’t need it.. i am going to use this as my photography website. or portfolio. it’s especially useful because it is my name! they wouldn’t have to think twice about who i was. haha.. no but really.. no more blogs for me. i think it’s better that all my thoughts stay in my head anyway. although i cannot say when i’ll be done, i am going to start working on the new website today. wish me luck! <3

Yet another day,

*yawn* flies by before my eyes!

going to be hospitalized at Seattle’s Harbor View Hospital on the 5th. they said it could take from 6 to 10 days. it’s gonna suck, i just hope they can keep me out of pain during my visit, or else i will be forced to leave! it’s the first, well second now.. . i didn’t get my money!? i wonder what’s going on.. . i hope i didn’t get cut off or else my hospital bill isn’t gonna be covered. i don’t think they will even take me! i always get it on the first, i wonder what’s up. hope everything is okay.

i got a bunch of new hello kitty stickers, socks, and little gizmos. they are so adorable. i’m such a sucker for sanrios! i wish i kept the clay sculpture i made at school of badtz maru. he was the coolest ever. only about a half a foot tall but he still rocked.

i soo need to find my camera’s charger, or just but a new one. i miss taking pictures. *sigh* lost it shortly after marty wrecked his car. well my car now! i think he accidently mixed it up with his cords while he was taking all the stuff out of the car. hrmpf! but i can’t find it anywhere! at least i know i will be able to charge it when i go over to Seattle. my bro has the same charger! so at least i won’t miss out on my infamous seattle pictures. i’m hoping mike will lend me his vapor cigarette thing so i can smoke in the hospital. i sooo need something cause i won’t be able to even leave my room during the testing and.. bleh. it says i can request patches but i really don’t care for them much.

anyway, i hope they find something- or rather not. but i just want an answer. i want to get on with my life without anything in my way. i’m so tired of it. wish me luck!


Boy: You know what?
Girl: What?
Boy: Next time i see you, don’t wear that skirt again, it’s too revealing
Girl: Why? I thought you loved that skirt
Boy: Next time, wear something that reaches to your ankles
Girl: Ok whatever
Boy: A dress that reaches to your ankles.. and wear long white gloves that reach to your elbows
Girl: What?
Boy: Trust me
Girl: What are you trying to do? Hide me from everyone?
Boy: Do up your hair as well real pretty
Girl: Are You listening to what i’m saying? You’re so conservative, don’t choke me like this… Are you kidding me?
Boy: I’m dead serious.
Girl: You know i dont like guys who boss me around
Boy: … Wear a veil
Girl: … what?
Boy: Wear this ring too
Girl: ….
Boy: Marry Me

>> that was so cute.

Happy New Year! 2010

Time goes by so fast, that with a blink of an eye flowers can bloom, or die and wilt away. I wish I could hold still a moment in time, perhaps it’s why I love taking pictures.

Can’t believe it’s 2010. Had a great time with the family. My dad played guitar all night, we toasted with sparkling cider-a cheers to the new year. Just wish the whole family could have been together!

Happy New Year!@#!

pain pain go away, never come another day!

Been prescribed oxycontin and oxycodone for my pain for a few months now, yet it is still not enough. But at least they are doing something for a change. They found a few things in my lower back with a cat scan without contrast, but I am certain there is something more even there that they are missing. Doctors never listen to me. I am tired of living in this hellish nightmare. My love and family are the only things that keep me hanging on, because I just couldn’t hurt them like that. Though even if it’s not by my own hands, I feel numb to life, as it’s going to end very soon. It scares me. And I have no one to talk to about this either. For either not wanting to worry them, or not wanting to be yelled at. I want out. Throughout my whole life I have been torn away from things just because of my health and I am so sick of it. I feel like I’m screaming out loud and no one can hear me, not even a whisper. I have my oxygen on right now, I can barely breathe. My heart is heavy. I don’t want to move, yet I don’t want to stay. I don’t want to live, yet I don’t want to die. I don’t want to cry, yet it never stops. I want to fall asleep, yet I don’t ever want to wake up. A walking contradiction.

The end is now.

Happy late thanksgiving guys! I’m so thankful for everything I have in life. I couldn’t be more blessed. I love my family, and I also love Marty’s family. I couldn’t be blessed with a more loving family.  They are great! We had so much fun on Thanksgiving, and oh man did I get stuffed like a turkey! I swear I had a little turkey in me. Haha. We first spent some time at Marty’s where we got to meet Sage’s new girlfriend. Marty’s mom made such a good dinner, I loved it. After dinner we all played the game Apples to Apples. It’s such a fun game, first time I’ve played. I got no green cards!!! It was so sad. Lol, but there’s always next time. I’m determined to win! Then we came back to my house and enjoyed some more dinner with my family. It was delicious and full of new recipes on the table. It was soooo good. I also finally learned the family tradition on making the turkey! I think I got most of it down, but knowing me I’m sure I’m gonna forget so I must write it down! It was fun though. I can’t wait for my first Thanksgiving that I get to make my own turkey! I’m so not looking forward to pulling out all the crap out of the turkey though. But I’m sure I’ll get over it. Haha.

Anyway Christmas is coming up! I can’t wait, I love the Christmas spirit. I’m so surprised there really isn’t much snow outside. It better snow some more, Christmas just isn’t the same without it. This year we did drawings for my family. So every adult has only one person to get a gift for. This way everyone could get a great gift. I pulled my brother Michael, and Marty pulled my brother Joshua. Two of the hardest! I have no idea what to get yet, but I’m sure it’ll come to me. Guys are so hard to get presents for.  And of course I so am getting my mom and dad something. I’m thinking something crafty and homemade! I know my mom will love it. I already have something to make for her and I know she’ll just love it! Wish I could share it, but because she reads this it’ll spoil it. Lol.  I already also have ideas of what to get Marty’s family! I can’t wait to make them. Getting/making presents is the best thing about Christmas. I couldn’t care less if I got any or not. But I just love seeing their faces when they open my presents. Such a great feeling. And the second best thing about Christmas is wrapping them! I wrap the most beautiful presents. I just love it.

Geez, I can’t believe it’s almost 2010. Wow how time flies.

King of Hearts.

So tired, and so.. well sore. I have a cardiologist appointment around 11am today. It’s going to suck, I have to wear this “King of Hearts” monitor for a whole month! I don’t really know exactly how my skin is gonna handle those sticky things. Last heart monitor was only on for 24 hours and ended up making me welt and bleed. Not looking too forward to that.

I think way too much and I hate it. Sometimes even overbearing. I keep it tucked in pretty well though. I’ve been thinking about this for awhile since well the doctor didn’t want to believe I wasn’t depressed. But I am. I don’t really understand it but, It’s been getting worse. I see myself as worthless, and I don’t want to anymore. I think of death too much. Myself and others, I am scared to be alone. I am so scared of loosing any of my family, and it hurts so much to know I will. It also hurts that my Mother thinks I do not care for her. When almost everything I do I think of her. There are so many things going through my mind and I just want it to end. And talk about anxiety. I know I have it, I panic. I was thinking about getting depression medicine and maybe something for anxiety at my next doctors appointment. I believe it’s on the 14th of next month. Iuno, wish me luck.

blah blah blah

Well, what a week it’s been. Had a cardiology appointment a few days ago, and well he wanted to hospitalize me.. right then and there. It was amazing to actually find someone who thought what I was going through was not normal. Everyone else just seems like it’s not a big deal, and well I guess it leaked on me too. I just got use to the fact of hurting and learned to suppress it. But wow. I told him I had some stuff to do so we arranged for me to be admitted the next day so I can get a bunch of testing done. So, I got sent home with a 24-hour heart monitor. It ended up giving me welts and made my skin bleed. Stupid things! I hate allergies. Anyways, the next day I went in. Everything was going fine, my Mom dropped Marty and I off and got me settled in. I got to order lots of food, and watched Family Guy. It was kinda nice. Hours later, around like 1 – 2am, the pain began. A little tears here and there.. Then it lead to screams and agony. The nurses did absolutely.. well nothing! It took awhile but I eventually was able to get some hydrocodone, still did nothing for me. The nurse refused to call the doctor to see if we could get some more pain meds. Her excuse was she didn’t want to wake her again. So my mom came to pick me up. Marty remembered the last nurse say they’d have to call the doctor if I left. So he asked if the nurse was going to call to tell the doctor, she replied yeah sure want me to?.. We were all just, in shock. I mean she’d call the doctor to tell her that we were leaving yet, she couldn’t call to keep me out of pain? What kind of bullshit is that? It is their job to keep me out of pain! I just.. can’t understand it. Marty even asked her that, and she replied, “how about I just have security escort you out?” and she walked out. So, of course we left too and on our way security came and walked us out. I hate hospitals, I hate ambulances, doctors, nurses… ugh! They have no passion anymore, care more for the money than the patient and that’s not how its suppose to be. They’ve lost their values.

I finally thought that it was my turn to get everything right, thought it was about time to find out what was wrong. I guess 9 years isn’t enough.

Yay new theme!

Isn’t it just beautiful?! It’s because my sexy is in it. *stares at him dreamily* I’m proud of this theme. =]

Anyways! Had a MRI of my brain on the 8th. I have no idea what most of the shit means, I even tried looking it up! But there are a few things that didn’t come out normal. I will type them out below, so if you know what it means, let me know. lol..

There are a small number of small, diffusion negative T2 and FLAIR hypertensities in the subcortical and periventicular cerebral white matter bilaterally, mainly in the bilateral frontal and parietal lobes, nonspecific.

Major intracranial arteries and dural venous sinus flow voids are preserved

The orbits, paranasal sinuses, skull base, calvarium and craniovertebral are normal apart from minimal right maxillary sinus disease, Mild nasal septal deviation to the right.

Like I said, I am clueless… are you? <.< On another note yesterday was my best friends birthday! Her 21st actually, and I couldn't be there. I feel so bad, yet I never got a invitation anyway. Lately we haven't been the best of friends, I was mad at her for awhile and we've only talked a bit.. I still wonder why the hell I never got invited. I haven't seemed to matter to her anymore, except by words. But I know just as well as anyone else, "actions speak louder than words". I also wanted to tell my mom, I love her very much. She's the best mom, and friend in the whole world. I don't know what I'd do without her. Thanks so much for all your help! Love you as much as the sky! <3