mind slave.
Posted on October 15, 2007
i feel like a robot. putting on a face, just so no one will worry about me. i try to be happy, it’s slipping. suicide pours into my head and i can’t help it. i’m scared to drive a car by myself because everytime i do i imagine myself flooring it and going head on into a car, or a little off the road into a telephone pole. sometimes i even think about jumping out the door seeing my face grind against the pavement. i don’t want to live anymore. someone save me from myself.
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Amanda, you need to talk to someone about these feelings. I know. My daughter tried to kill herself this past June. It wasn’t just a “cry for help” thing; she tried, and we’re just lucky as hell that she had a failure in her apparatus. (I won’t tell you what she did, but it was nearly successful, but she didn’t know some things about what she tried, so at the last minute her setup failed and she pulled through.)
We talked–a lot–about what led up to her attempt, and it seems to me that she had an attitude that was very similar to what you’ve described here: she was putting on a face that she thought people wanted to see, and not really dealing with the stuff underneath that was tearing her up.
After her attempt we got professional counseling for her, and over the summer she worked closely with her counselor to deal with some of those issues. I wasn’t involved in that, except at the very start, when I attended the first two sessions with her, at her invitation. And I thought she had the world on a silver platter …
As an atheist, she had thought that the termination of her life would cause no huge upset in the world, and things for others could go on pretty much as they always had. When she saw me break down and cry at that thought, and when I told her that nothing could be further from the truth, that it seemed to me a horror that I couldn’t even contemplate, and that it seemed to me when I heard the news of her attempt that it was like being on the edge of an abyss, then she knew that she had to re-think that thought. I don’t think she ever imagined that her 53-year-old dad would cry like that, but I wasn’t ashamed to at all. So now she knows.
For you to take your own life would cause an unimaginable void in someone else’s life, Amanda. Maybe the life of someone you don’t even know yet. Please get help. I care.