Been prescribed oxycontin and oxycodone for my pain for a few months now, yet it is still not enough. But at least they are doing something for a change. They found a few things in my lower back with a cat scan without contrast, but I am certain there is something more even there that they are missing. Doctors never listen to me. I am tired of living in this hellish nightmare. My love and family are the only things that keep me hanging on, because I just couldn’t hurt them like that. Though even if it’s not by my own hands, I feel numb to life, as it’s going to end very soon. It scares me. And I have no one to talk to about this either. For either not wanting to worry them, or not wanting to be yelled at. I want out. Throughout my whole life I have been torn away from things just because of my health and I am so sick of it. I feel like I’m screaming out loud and no one can hear me, not even a whisper. I have my oxygen on right now, I can barely breathe. My heart is heavy. I don’t want to move, yet I don’t want to stay. I don’t want to live, yet I don’t want to die. I don’t want to cry, yet it never stops. I want to fall asleep, yet I don’t ever want to wake up. A walking contradiction.