Been prescribed oxycontin and oxycodone for my pain for a few months now, yet it is still not enough. But at least they are doing something for a change. They found a few things in my lower back with a cat scan without contrast, but I am certain there is something more even there that they are missing. Doctors never listen to me. I am tired of living in this hellish nightmare. My love and family are the only things that keep me hanging on, because I just couldn’t hurt them like that. Though even if it’s not by my own hands, I feel numb to life, as it’s going to end very soon. It scares me. And I have no one to talk to about this either. For either not wanting to worry them, or not wanting to be yelled at. I want out. Throughout my whole life I have been torn away from things just because of my health and I am so sick of it. I feel like I’m screaming out loud and no one can hear me, not even a whisper. I have my oxygen on right now, I can barely breathe. My heart is heavy. I don’t want to move, yet I don’t want to stay. I don’t want to live, yet I don’t want to die. I don’t want to cry, yet it never stops. I want to fall asleep, yet I don’t ever want to wake up. A walking contradiction.
So tired, and so.. well sore. I have a cardiologist appointment around 11am today. It’s going to suck, I have to wear this “King of Hearts” monitor for a whole month! I don’t really know exactly how my skin is gonna handle those sticky things. Last heart monitor was only on for 24 hours and ended up making me welt and bleed. Not looking too forward to that.
I think way too much and I hate it. Sometimes even overbearing. I keep it tucked in pretty well though. I’ve been thinking about this for awhile since well the doctor didn’t want to believe I wasn’t depressed. But I am. I don’t really understand it but, It’s been getting worse. I see myself as worthless, and I don’t want to anymore. I think of death too much. Myself and others, I am scared to be alone. I am so scared of loosing any of my family, and it hurts so much to know I will. It also hurts that my Mother thinks I do not care for her. When almost everything I do I think of her. There are so many things going through my mind and I just want it to end. And talk about anxiety. I know I have it, I panic. I was thinking about getting depression medicine and maybe something for anxiety at my next doctors appointment. I believe it’s on the 14th of next month. Iuno, wish me luck.
Well, what a week it’s been. Had a cardiology appointment a few days ago, and well he wanted to hospitalize me.. right then and there. It was amazing to actually find someone who thought what I was going through was not normal. Everyone else just seems like it’s not a big deal, and well I guess it leaked on me too. I just got use to the fact of hurting and learned to suppress it. But wow. I told him I had some stuff to do so we arranged for me to be admitted the next day so I can get a bunch of testing done. So, I got sent home with a 24-hour heart monitor. It ended up giving me welts and made my skin bleed. Stupid things! I hate allergies. Anyways, the next day I went in. Everything was going fine, my Mom dropped Marty and I off and got me settled in. I got to order lots of food, and watched Family Guy. It was kinda nice. Hours later, around like 1 – 2am, the pain began. A little tears here and there.. Then it lead to screams and agony. The nurses did absolutely.. well nothing! It took awhile but I eventually was able to get some hydrocodone, still did nothing for me. The nurse refused to call the doctor to see if we could get some more pain meds. Her excuse was she didn’t want to wake her again. So my mom came to pick me up. Marty remembered the last nurse say they’d have to call the doctor if I left. So he asked if the nurse was going to call to tell the doctor, she replied yeah sure want me to?.. We were all just, in shock. I mean she’d call the doctor to tell her that we were leaving yet, she couldn’t call to keep me out of pain? What kind of bullshit is that? It is their job to keep me out of pain! I just.. can’t understand it. Marty even asked her that, and she replied, “how about I just have security escort you out?” and she walked out. So, of course we left too and on our way security came and walked us out. I hate hospitals, I hate ambulances, doctors, nurses… ugh! They have no passion anymore, care more for the money than the patient and that’s not how its suppose to be. They’ve lost their values.
I finally thought that it was my turn to get everything right, thought it was about time to find out what was wrong. I guess 9 years isn’t enough.