Been prescribed oxycontin and oxycodone for my pain for a few months now, yet it is still not enough. But at least they are doing something for a change. They found a few things in my lower back with a cat scan without contrast, but I am certain there is something more even there that they are missing. Doctors never listen to me. I am tired of living in this hellish nightmare. My love and family are the only things that keep me hanging on, because I just couldn’t hurt them like that. Though even if it’s not by my own hands, I feel numb to life, as it’s going to end very soon. It scares me. And I have no one to talk to about this either. For either not wanting to worry them, or not wanting to be yelled at. I want out. Throughout my whole life I have been torn away from things just because of my health and I am so sick of it. I feel like I’m screaming out loud and no one can hear me, not even a whisper. I have my oxygen on right now, I can barely breathe. My heart is heavy. I don’t want to move, yet I don’t want to stay. I don’t want to live, yet I don’t want to die. I don’t want to cry, yet it never stops. I want to fall asleep, yet I don’t ever want to wake up. A walking contradiction.
So tired, and so.. well sore. I have a cardiologist appointment around 11am today. It’s going to suck, I have to wear this “King of Hearts” monitor for a whole month! I don’t really know exactly how my skin is gonna handle those sticky things. Last heart monitor was only on for 24 hours and ended up making me welt and bleed. Not looking too forward to that.
I think way too much and I hate it. Sometimes even overbearing. I keep it tucked in pretty well though. I’ve been thinking about this for awhile since well the doctor didn’t want to believe I wasn’t depressed. But I am. I don’t really understand it but, It’s been getting worse. I see myself as worthless, and I don’t want to anymore. I think of death too much. Myself and others, I am scared to be alone. I am so scared of loosing any of my family, and it hurts so much to know I will. It also hurts that my Mother thinks I do not care for her. When almost everything I do I think of her. There are so many things going through my mind and I just want it to end. And talk about anxiety. I know I have it, I panic. I was thinking about getting depression medicine and maybe something for anxiety at my next doctors appointment. I believe it’s on the 14th of next month. Iuno, wish me luck.
Well, what a week it’s been. Had a cardiology appointment a few days ago, and well he wanted to hospitalize me.. right then and there. It was amazing to actually find someone who thought what I was going through was not normal. Everyone else just seems like it’s not a big deal, and well I guess it leaked on me too. I just got use to the fact of hurting and learned to suppress it. But wow. I told him I had some stuff to do so we arranged for me to be admitted the next day so I can get a bunch of testing done. So, I got sent home with a 24-hour heart monitor. It ended up giving me welts and made my skin bleed. Stupid things! I hate allergies. Anyways, the next day I went in. Everything was going fine, my Mom dropped Marty and I off and got me settled in. I got to order lots of food, and watched Family Guy. It was kinda nice. Hours later, around like 1 – 2am, the pain began. A little tears here and there.. Then it lead to screams and agony. The nurses did absolutely.. well nothing! It took awhile but I eventually was able to get some hydrocodone, still did nothing for me. The nurse refused to call the doctor to see if we could get some more pain meds. Her excuse was she didn’t want to wake her again. So my mom came to pick me up. Marty remembered the last nurse say they’d have to call the doctor if I left. So he asked if the nurse was going to call to tell the doctor, she replied yeah sure want me to?.. We were all just, in shock. I mean she’d call the doctor to tell her that we were leaving yet, she couldn’t call to keep me out of pain? What kind of bullshit is that? It is their job to keep me out of pain! I just.. can’t understand it. Marty even asked her that, and she replied, “how about I just have security escort you out?” and she walked out. So, of course we left too and on our way security came and walked us out. I hate hospitals, I hate ambulances, doctors, nurses… ugh! They have no passion anymore, care more for the money than the patient and that’s not how its suppose to be. They’ve lost their values.
I finally thought that it was my turn to get everything right, thought it was about time to find out what was wrong. I guess 9 years isn’t enough.
Isn’t it just beautiful?! It’s because my sexy is in it. *stares at him dreamily* I’m proud of this theme. =]
Anyways! Had a MRI of my brain on the 8th. I have no idea what most of the shit means, I even tried looking it up! But there are a few things that didn’t come out normal. I will type them out below, so if you know what it means, let me know. lol..
There are a small number of small, diffusion negative T2 and FLAIR hypertensities in the subcortical and periventicular cerebral white matter bilaterally, mainly in the bilateral frontal and parietal lobes, nonspecific.
Major intracranial arteries and dural venous sinus flow voids are preserved
The orbits, paranasal sinuses, skull base, calvarium and craniovertebral are normal apart from minimal right maxillary sinus disease, Mild nasal septal deviation to the right.
Like I said, I am clueless… are you? <.< On another note yesterday was my best friends birthday! Her 21st actually, and I couldn't be there. I feel so bad, yet I never got a invitation anyway. Lately we haven't been the best of friends, I was mad at her for awhile and we've only talked a bit.. I still wonder why the hell I never got invited. I haven't seemed to matter to her anymore, except by words. But I know just as well as anyone else, "actions speak louder than words". I also wanted to tell my mom, I love her very much. She's the best mom, and friend in the whole world. I don't know what I'd do without her. Thanks so much for all your help! Love you as much as the sky! <3
I hate police and the ambulance people! As well as the EMS. It was on Friday. I was sick, I was for three days. My tail bone was killing me, so I could barely walk. It felt like I fell on it going down 3 flights of stairs, and my legs ached really bad. I had a migraine so intense I could barely open my eyes, the lights killed me. I couldn’t eat, and when I did it just came right back up. I did however eat a apple. I drank tons of water, one cup after another. I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and my mom was gonna take me to the hospital. Finally we were in the car. I was all bundled up and had sunglasses on, and even though with my eyes closed, it was so bright outside it hurt. We were going to Holy Family Hospital in Spokane, because the Hospital in Deer Park said they’d just have me transported there anyway cause there wouldn’t be anything they could do. They told us just to drive there. We were on Highway 395, my mother speeding of course. Then there was a undercover cop behind us, my mom refused to stop and tried to wave the cop in. I kept telling her to stop and she finally did. I wish she hadn’t now. The cop come out and yells for everyone to raise their hands, he gets up to the window with his gun still drawn. My mother is trying to explain to him that it’s a life threatening situation and I needed a hospital. She tried to convince him to escort us or let us go because sitting there was not helping. Then I blacked out, I don’t remember what happened, but apparently I quit breathing. I next remember opening my eyes to brightness and having to shut them. The pain so intense, I was crying.. and it was very cold. The cop kept telling me to open my eyes and kept trying to push open my eyes, making it only hurt worse. I told him it hurt. Then I think it was the EMS who showed up, they put an oxygen mask on me. I kept screaming in pain it hurt so bad, they just kept asking me if I took anything, and kept trying to open my eyes. It was hard to make out what else they were saying with my ears ringing. Finally the ambulance is here, they help me up and onto the gurney? and strap me down. Yet they still stayed there. I was freezing, in pain, and they take their time. Laying there my body started to hurt more. Maybe it was because there was more pressure on my tail bone. They finally put me in the back of the ambulance, and then I got to wait there some more. I begged to get out because it was hurting, all I heard was a “nope”. I didn’t know where it came from or whom it came from because my eyes were still shut. I needed to get out, I couldn’t take it so I used my legs to slide myself out of the bed and from under the straps, but someone above caught me. He yelled for help, and a bunch of people came and held me down. It actually really really hurt. They tied my wrists and legs down to the bed. The man said I tried to swing at him, but how could I with my eyes shut and my arms to the side with straps over them. I barely got a foot above the bed. I begged and pleaded for them to let me out, it was hurting. I then heard someone say to one, “She wants to get out, ask the officer.” He came back with the reply, “He said nope, she’s going. Man he is so pissed”. The ambulance was only making me hurt more, and wait more. I screamed for my mother, I needed her, she would help me. I begged them to let her ride with us, they refused. So I kept screaming for her, and hear her screaming for me, I knew she was trying to get to me, but they wouldn’t let her. I wanted my mom. We still have not left, more than 15 minutes of them being there and we’re still not gone. Finally I hear them say we were going to Sacred Heart because Holy Family wasn’t taking patients. The doors shut and I felt movement. I begged them to untie me so I could at least turn because it was hurting to much on my back. He said, “well you shouldn’t have swung at me.”, I replied “How could I have hit you my eyes are closed, it hurts to see, I didn’t know where anyone was and if I did accidentally hit you, I’m sorry, just let me out.” He refused. I kept crying, trying to turn my torso to the side. Finally I actually could turn it a little so it doesn’t hurt as much only to have one of them slam me back down. They wouldn’t even let my body turn just a little. They were so mean to me. One of the guys asks the driver, “Could we just take her to Holy Family? Because I really don’t wanna deal with her the whole way there. Try calling.” At the point I felt so worthless. My headache started to calm down and I was able to open my eyes, but just barely. Just to see the face of one of the EMS people riding in back on the ambulance. If she was able to go, why couldn’t mother? The whole way there all they kept asking was if I was on drugs, or, what drugs did I take. They kept saying they knew I took something. Over and over. I eventually just gave up on saying no and ignored them. My back was hurting so much more laying on my back, still crying in pain. They did absolutely nothing for me but make it worse. Holy Family said it was alright for them to go there. I was relieved I didn’t have to be there that long. I then realized that the ambulance was stopping. At the lights I supposed, realizing they didn’t even have their sirens on. I hear them say they need extra security for when we get there. Finally we make it there. Me, still crying in pain is loaded off and finally back beside my mother. I felt calm. They brought me into a room and shut my mom out. A lady and at least 3 guys were in the room. The lady asks me to sit up and take off my sweater so I start to, and she assists me. Then I realize she’s taking off my shirt too, I tell her to stop, and make them get out first but they didn’t. She undressed me to bra and underwear, in front of all of them. I never felt more humiliated ever, how do they have a right to treat me like this? What did I do so wrong, I do not understand. Well that was the end of the worst day ever. I got morphine to take away my pain, and they did a bunch of blood work. All of my vitals were very low. Turned up as a kidney infection and bladder infection. They still do not know the cause and suggest a specialist. They even took some x-rays, nothing turned up. So they sent me home with nausea medicine, hydrocodones, and antibiotics.
I need to do something about this. I don’t know what but it was NOT right at all. I’m thinking about getting a lawyer.
Still feels the same! Damn. So, not listening to the last post.. . I have made a new years resolution anyway. To get healthy! I have an appointment on the 3rd to goto the doctors. I hope I go, I suck at making it to appointments, or sometimes it’s just that it hurts to much to get out of bed.
I need to pay of my damn bills! Stupid credit card bill just keeps growing. I hate interest. I so need a job. I listed a photographer AD on Craigslist.org, I’ve got one reply.. . but it’s kinda creepy sounding. Once I heard some lady found a job on CL, well she was going to the interview which was over in Seattle and she ended up dead. I also listed some stuff on CL that I bought off Ebay to resell. Some idiots kept flagging some of my posts though and it kept getting removed. Irritated the shit out of me. Craigslist really really needs some REAL moderation and not just a bunch of who knows.. ruin it. BUT hopefully the stuff will sell and I can earn a little cash. Craiglist is a great place to buy/sell .. and even get free things locally! You gotta check it out.
I miss World of Warcraft soo much. Yes, I play. My poor little warlock has been ignored for the past few months though. I can’t wait till I can pay off these bills, and then I can start playing again! I feel bad about the way I went out though, left my guild like that.. some guild leader huh. That’s the reason I started it in the first place, because I was pissed off at our guild leader for doing the same shit I did. Haha, the irony.
I got a new Elfen Lied wallpapper! Isn’t it just beautiful!!! I ♥ Elfen Lied. Best anime EVER! I just wish they had made more episodes.
Just wanted to tell everyone merry.. . late x-mas and hope you have a GREAT new years!
I can’t believe it’s almost 2008, man where did the damn year go?! I need to get out more, seriously. Just about every year I think it’s my new year’s resolution to quit smoking cigarettes.. HAHA it will never prevail, so this time.. . I think I’ll just not have a resolution so I can’t fail!
I’m getting on disability soon! Due to my health problems, it’s impossible for me to work. So I applied for disability and then I’ll be able to afford the many visits to the doctors again. I’ll have insurance! Maybe we’ll get to the bottom of these stupid pains and I’ll be able to live my life again. I wanna do so much, but I think even if I was “healthy”, I don’t think I’d know where to start. It kinda scares me.
I have SOOO many pictures I want to post up, and edit and.. yes, but I never seem to have enough “alone” time these days. I’m very self-conscious and can’t work under supervision. I’m weird like that. I know I can do good though, and I know I could be better.. I need more motivation dammit!
Cocoa died on the 24th of last month.. It’s been so hard not seeing her around anymore. She was the best dog ever. I feel like I’ve let her down, I feel like it was my fault. I miss her so much. I don’t see how all this is happening to me. I’m getting everything I’ve loved ripped away from me. I can’t take it anymore. I’m breaking down more and more each day.
RIP. Cocoa-Chu. I love and miss you with all my heart!
My little otter. -.-
I’m getting even more sick. I’m in pain almost 24/7, popping pain pills to stay sane. What have I done to deserve all this?! People make mistakes, but they’re suppose to be forgiven right? I wish I could do so much more, I feel so weak all the time. I’ve been excluded from things all my life because of my health and I hate it. I wish I could help my family, I wish I could be someone so I could. I feel I’ve let down everyone just by being me. I’m sorry I can’t be something more.
Cocoa, I’m sorry I let you down, it was all my fault, and now you’re gone because of it. I took you for granted. I miss you so much. I hope there is a dog heaven, because I know you’d be there.
Well I finally got bored enough to change my layout and fix some other junk on here. Too much has been going on lately I have no time for the computer anymore. I’ve been going crazy. Hectic. I feel like letting go. Half alive but mostly dead. I shove it in a little bottle deep within and try to keep happy. Keep singing in my head. Jack Johnson and Bob Marley are my best friends. =]
Hoping to start school soon, but been putting it off so much I probably already missed the deadline. But honestly, I’ve never done this before.. . I really don’t know where to start. Oh well, I’m still young right? -.o
OO. And I just bought the Elfen Lied series! YAY. I’m so excited, I CAN’T WAIT for it to come. It’s in english! It’ll open up a whole different perspective for me. If you haven’t seen it, man your missing out.