amanda.auayan.com

Just wanted to tell everyone merry.. . late x-mas and hope you have a GREAT new years!

I can’t believe it’s almost 2008, man where did the damn year go?! I need to get out more, seriously. Just about every year I think it’s my new year’s resolution to quit smoking cigarettes.. HAHA it will never prevail, so this time.. . I think I’ll just not have a resolution so I can’t fail!

I’m getting on disability soon! Due to my health problems, it’s impossible for me to work. So I applied for disability and then I’ll be able to afford the many visits to the doctors again. I’ll have insurance! Maybe we’ll get to the bottom of these stupid pains and I’ll be able to live my life again. I wanna do so much, but I think even if I was “healthy”, I don’t think I’d know where to start. It kinda scares me.

I have SOOO many pictures I want to post up, and edit and.. yes, but I never seem to have enough “alone” time these days. I’m very self-conscious and can’t work under supervision. I’m weird like that. I know I can do good though, and I know I could be better.. I need more motivation dammit!

Cocoa died on the 24th of last month.. It’s been so hard not seeing her around anymore. She was the best dog ever. I feel like I’ve let her down, I feel like it was my fault. I miss her so much. I don’t see how all this is happening to me. I’m getting everything I’ve loved ripped away from me. I can’t take it anymore. I’m breaking down more and more each day.

RIP. Cocoa-Chu. I love and miss you with all my heart!
My little otter. -.-
1999-2007

I’m getting even more sick. I’m in pain almost 24/7, popping pain pills to stay sane. What have I done to deserve all this?! People make mistakes, but they’re suppose to be forgiven right? I wish I could do so much more, I feel so weak all the time. I’ve been excluded from things all my life because of my health and I hate it. I wish I could help my family, I wish I could be someone so I could. I feel I’ve let down everyone just by being me. I’m sorry I can’t be something more.

Cocoa, I’m sorry I let you down, it was all my fault, and now you’re gone because of it. I took you for granted. I miss you so much. I hope there is a dog heaven, because I know you’d be there.