i feel like a robot. putting on a face, just so no one will worry about me. i try to be happy, it’s slipping. suicide pours into my head and i can’t help it. i’m scared to drive a car by myself because everytime i do i imagine myself flooring it and going head on into a car, or a little off the road into a telephone pole. sometimes i even think about jumping out the door seeing my face grind against the pavement. i don’t want to live anymore. someone save me from myself.
i am dead. faded into background noise. i can’t can’t breathe without him. what do you do when you know you’ve lost the most precious thing to you, and you know you’ll never get him back. i try to tell myself it’ll be okay, but it never is. the love of a lifetime, gone in a single blink. and the worse part is, he wants nothing to do with me, and i deserve it. i never meant to hurt him the way i did. i will never be able to forgive myself. i would do anything to be able to hold him again, a single kiss. memories of us pour on me, and shower me with tears. does he miss me as much as i miss him? or have i already been forgotten. he acts as if nothing ever happend, i can’t stand it. last words i’ve heard from him is.. “don’t contact me anymore”. and oh god, it’s the worst feeling in the world comming from the only one you will ever truely love. i just don’t understand. why didn’t he fucking fight for me, why didn’t he want me, why is he gone.. .? prolly cause i’m just a fuck up, i can never do anything right. lazy and selfish, that’s what he said.. .. everytime i look away, i shed a tear. every moment i get for myself i can’t help but breakdown. i miss him, so much. i won’t be able to live without him. someone.. help me please..
Well I finally got bored enough to change my layout and fix some other junk on here. Too much has been going on lately I have no time for the computer anymore. I’ve been going crazy. Hectic. I feel like letting go. Half alive but mostly dead. I shove it in a little bottle deep within and try to keep happy. Keep singing in my head. Jack Johnson and Bob Marley are my best friends. =]
Hoping to start school soon, but been putting it off so much I probably already missed the deadline. But honestly, I’ve never done this before.. . I really don’t know where to start. Oh well, I’m still young right? -.o
:D
OO. And I just bought the Elfen Lied series! YAY. I’m so excited, I CAN’T WAIT for it to come. It’s in english! It’ll open up a whole different perspective for me. If you haven’t seen it, man your missing out.
Well, I’ve went to court! Finally. I pled not guilty, and well, I’m waiting for my court date. Drove freaking 2 hours, to plead not guilty. How lame is that?
I’ve been craving candy like crazy, iuno why. I want… millions! Who needs food? NOT ME, I’m candy mandy. =)
WELL, hopefully we’ll be going down to California on the 27th. Still have been waiting on someone for the plane tickets. :/ Hopefully it’s gonna work though. Jason has already taken the two weeks off. And, well that’d suck if we were stuck here. We’d be short on money and bored! I really really need to get a job. I’m a bum. T_T I have been looking though, most of them I can’t even freaking do cause my stupid health, and it sucks. I did get .. a sorta job taking pictures though. BUT I’d have to go places, and well . . oh yeah, I have no freaking car JAY. I hope he gets his ass moving and gets a job, he really set us behind. My poor car was almost paid off too. 5 more payments! How lame is that. Too. =(
Yesterday I watched Eragon, I’ve been waiting forever for it to be released and god, it was sooo not worth it. I mean, I guess it was because we rented it for.. free. But, IT’S GAY. It started out okay, a few parts I liked. The part where the dragon flys up and gets all big was cool looking. HAHA I loved it when he looked up all sad cause his dragon flew away. But it skipped all the good parts where it should’ve been funny. Where the dragon is young, and dumb. The part where he fights the shade was awesome too. The movie ended WAY too soon though. You don’t feel anything for the main character, he’s just some weak dude who has strong powers that make him faint. XD The coolest guy in the movie died. Pfft. Well since it’s a 3 book series thing maybe the others are better. Hopefully.
Yay I’ve made smilies, and added a couple new poems. Kinda switched it up a bit so “about” is about the website itself. I’ll be making alot more freebie stuff for all of you. So be checking. I also have a bunch more recipes and poems to add. Whenever I do get unlazy they will be up. I think it’s time to play World of Warcraft now. I’ve been too distracted with this site to pay attention to my little priest. Poor kitten.
Here’s a fun connect the dot game to play: Scibble. You have to try it, one of Jason’s many cool finds.
I keep feeling dizzy. It sucks. Passed out once. 
Jason’s car broke down today. So I had to go pick him up from work, and now I’m eating the snack wrap and fries he bought me. Yum yum. I made this new layout! I likes it. I added another recipe! Yummy BBQ Ribs. You HAVE to try them.
It’s almost valentines. I’m planning on doing something special for Jason. Don’t know what yet though. Any ideas?
Standing in the middle of a crowd screaming my head off, and no one ever hears me. It feels like everything is falling apart in front of me. I can’t escape. I can’t trust anyone. I feel so lost, and I don’t understand. No one understands. I want to escape this. Just run away. No one to turn to anymore. I just want to get away. I hate myself so much, I wish I could just end it. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t know what to do. Why do I have to think! My head just won’t stop, no matter how many times I bang it on the wall. It just won’t stop. Please. Stop. Mom, I need you. Please come home.
My Aunt Pattie passed away. I feel horrible, I feel so much regret. I wish I could’ve been there for her, like when she was there for me. I wish I could’ve done something. Traded places maybe. I just miss her. RIP Aunt Pattie. I LOVE YOU.
Well, my car is totaled. Jason Jay kinda uh fish tailed in into someone’s fence, and yes, it’s gone. He says he was going the speed limit, but I doubt it.
In this house greed has taken over, everyone seems against eachother and I hate it. My body is so sore, and bruised up. It’s hard to walk around. It’s a long story which none of you should know so i’ll just shut up about it. I have a court date for the minor in consumption ticket thing I got from before new years. I think I’m gonna have to reschedule though, I have no transportation. I know I’m gonna win though. They had no right doing what they did. We called the ambulence because of my pluerisy, and they never even showed up. Just the dumb cops to hurt me. :/ I hate cops. I really miss Kali though. It was so fun being with her again. She makes me feel alive. I wish we lived closer together again. Like the old days, we’d just ride bike’s to eachother, and meet at cronic creek or faerie island. HAHA. That was the best. I miss it.
It’s been freaking snowing all day. Today we went into town to go get some more magic cards and were planning on going to a tournament, but that part didn’t work out. I got a second angel though, 
.! Yey-ya. Ok, shut up I’m a geek. I wish I had my old magic cards. I bet they’d be pretty spendy. The streets were covered in ice. It’s so pretty. I had to go like 35 mph all the way home. :0 Sllll ll o o o o owww mooo ttti on. Saw two cars that got in accidents today. One was a head on, the other iuno wtf he was doing, going too fast prolly and ended up in a ditch between the highway. Dumb people. AND OMG, I HATE when STUPID people have to drive like a foot behind me. I don’t care if I’m going 10 mph, it’s ICE damnit, and .. yeah, it wouldn’t be good if a freaking deer jumped in front of me, idioto. Man. Well anyways, I posted up a new picture. 
<— There it is!!! MAGNIFY TIMES! No, hehe go to photography to take a look. I also added random and favorites. Put in some pictures of the yummy food you could make in recipes. So go to cooking! Believe me they’re good. Blah blah enough blabble.